what happens in confession stays in the confessional

i came to several realizations today. allow me to indulge myself by listing said realizations:

realization one: there was a little while there, i'd say around last october, when i sort of got the feeling that it didn't really matter where i worked, i was always going to be miserable. this is a feeling that grew mostly out of my idea that my job wasn't really all that bad, and it was completely my fault that i was so unhappy there. everyone kept telling me that life wasn't supposed to be so bad, though, so i kept looking for another job, and lo and behold, when i found another one i was happy.

for a little while. you see, eventually, i started to realize that my current job wasn't really all it was cracked up to be. i think this happened when i went from looking very hard for things to do all day to not ever having enough time to do anything despite working constant overtime. it hit me especially hard when i had to work late on lindsay's birthday, which, for obvious reasons, i was not happy about. in addition, since i'm so busy all the time, my job gets boiled down into what i hated so much about working at usd: instead of working normal times and to normal goals like a normal person, i am constantly bouncing between absolute deadlines and constantly pushing everything i possibly can back as far as i possibly can. and what always takes priority over anything actually interesting? other people's bitch work, that's what. because i am nothing but a glorified secretary, and during the busy times (read: all the time) the glorified part fades away, or at least changes into "a whole bunch of different, not to mention competing, people's." yeah, i know that's going to take you a minute or so to figure out; i'll wait for you.

ready? okay. anyway, i've lately begun to slip back into thinking that maybe there's just no way for me to not be miserable at work, that maybe i'm just not cut out for the real world. the realization that came to me today was that this is not true: it's just that i happen to have another shitty job. i should also add that calling it a "shitty job" is not necessarily fair, as that would imply that i don't like the people i work with--well, maybe it wouldn't necessarily, but i want to be clear about that distinction. just as with usd, it's not the people but the organization that has fundamental problems.

you see, i just don't buy it anymore. the particular institute that i work for is a complete waste of money--well, maybe not complete, but it certainly doesn't have a very high return on investment. i've heard this complaint from a number of different people throughout the organization, and here it is from me: we just don't do anything.

i just can't sit in on another one of these meetings where people keep talking about pushing back release 0.5 and what sort of particular organizational theme a particular data set should have. because that in and of itself sums up my entire impression of the organization: all we seem to do here is talk about things and organize things and talk about organizing things... but where are the goddamn things? we're so concerned with collaborating and innovating that we don't have time to actually do any research at this research institute. and if the poor researchers actually do find time to get any real work done and actually do succeed in creating something, they have to spend the next three weeks out of the month showing it to people so we can make money that we use to pay people to sit and talk about things. honestly, i've found myself trapped in a bizarro-world of academics who think they're corporate--or maybe it's a corporation that thinks it's academic--and i just can't take it anymore.

so the realization is this: although i do not think it was a mistake to come here--as thinking such would mean that i regret my decision, and since i've gained valuable experience here i most certainly do not regret it--it is time for me to leave.

realization two: i now have two and a half careers that i know i don't want: i don't want to ever fix another computer and i don't ever want to be a secretary again. the half is event planning: i don't like the planning part of it, because i'm really not any good at it, although i though that event management was kind of fun, if only because it's kind of fun to sit there and watch all your carefully-laid plans go to absolute hell and have to think on your feet and save the day at the last possible second. planning is just something people do to protect themselves if they don't think they can think fast enough.

so now what? well, realization two was that maybe it's time i start trying to write for a living. obviously that doesn't mean writing video game reviews or lowercase blog entries, but probably more something along the lines of something terribly dull like web or marketing or technical content, but at the very least something like that might allow me at least a tiny bit of creativity, which would be infinitely more that i'm allowed right now and is coincidentally one of the major things i miss about usd--other than the kids, of course.

so anyway, yes, i'm going to start throwing my resume around town at various writing and/or editing vacancies and see if something sticks. i mean, i might as well.

realization three: the new cursive album is really, really good. actually, i guess i can't really say that, because i haven't really listened to it, but "at conception" is completely fantastic and i can't stop listening to it. this is actually a realization that i came to the night i downloaded it, but since i used the word "several" i thought i needed at least another realization before i went to bed. honestly, though, do whatever you can to listen to "at conception," because it will be the song of the fall.