there was this big bang once

it's days like these when i finally get home and the noise stops but i can't relax that i feel like some sort of giant, sweeping change has come over me. very rarely have i ever been able to explain what it really actually is, especially because it usually never pans out, but when i look back on it i'll always associate it with that damn cranberries song. no, i don't even know what the song is called; i've never tried to look it up or look up the lyrics or try to download it.

you see, when i hear that song, something is going to change. it never comes on to tell me that a change has occurred, no no, it's very, very specific: when i hear it, always on the radio, sometimes when i'm waking up, sometimes in a random place--as with this particular time, at a restaurant--it means that that not particularly welcome feeling of change is coming. i don't want to listen to it. i don't want to hear it. i don't even really particularly like it. but it means what it means, and i can't force it by going out and finding it. so no, i know absolutely nothing about it, except it's a cranberries song and it came out some time while i was in high school.

anyway, i heard it on wednesday, at a restaurant, for a going-away lunch for my boss. i chuckled to myself when it came on, and i heard myself simply saying "yep." suffice it to say it's been a very long four days.

so now i'm sitting here at my house in poway--had to get out of pb for the holiday weekend--wide awake despite the fact that i could barely keep my eyes open on the drive back from lindsay's, trying to explain something that i've never once been able to explain in the vague six to nine years that this bizarre phenomenon has been occurring. huh. i suppose i'm trying very hard to make this peculiar repeated coincidence more significant than it really is, but it weirds me out sometimes. i suppose i can pretty much explain away my current anxiety, at least.

having spent the day at usd, i now know, finally and absolutely, why i am miserable at ucsd. i don't miss my old job, i don't miss usd, i don't miss the kids--well, no, that's not true, i miss the kids, at least. anyway, what i really miss is mattering. i don't ever fucking do anything at ucsd. nothing i ever do matters. and when i come back to usd for a day and really honestly don't do anything, it somehow matters to people; regardless of the fact that i didn't actually do anything today, i still left feeling like i made some sort of a difference. while i realize it's terribly selfish, i don't really care: i miss being important. even if it was only important in my head, what little importance i had at usd is infinitely more than i have at ucsd. where once i at least had something to fight for, now i am just invisible and worthless.

i think i'll leave and go to bed with that happy thought.